The Pat McAfee Show

McAfeeTwenty-eight points. They won by twenty-eight f***in’ points. I want that number on the screen, I want it up there the whole hour, I don’t want anybody at home forgetting how big that is. Thursday, in this chair, in front of the American people, I gave the Cleveland Browns nine points. Nine! I said they’d score nine!

Ty SchmitYou said twenty-seven, nine.

McAfeeTWENTY-SEVEN NINE, thank you Ty, thanks for coming in today, you p***k. And I had the seven! I had a seven in there! It was just attached to the wrong f***in’ football team!

McAfeeI was off by twenty-six on ONE of them and by fourteen on the other one, which if you add those together is the entire scoreboard. I took the under and the under got beat by a point and change. I was a f***in’ disaster on every available front.

Boston ConnorForty-two points.

McAfeeFORTY-TWO POINTS IN A HUNDRED F***IN’ DEGREES. Boston Connor, do you understand what that does to a man’s legs? In Jacksonville? In September? I have punted in that stadium, I know what that turf does at two in the afternoon, and the Cleveland Browns went down there and put up eight and a third yards a play like it was a walkthrough.

Ty SchmitEight point three.

McAfeeEight point three! Four thirty-four total. Eleven third downs, they got eight of them. ZERO turnovers. And — Ty, is this right? — one punt.

Ty SchmitOne punt.

McAfeePut a pin in the punt. Darius. Darius Butler. You sat right there on Thursday and you said four wins.

ButlerI did.

McAfeeDo you want to revise?

ButlerNo.

McAfeeNO?!

ButlerIt’s one game. Jacksonville was flat, they dropped the s*** out of the ball, Trevor missed three throws he makes in his sleep. Four wins.

McAfee— And I’m not even going to argue with him, because that’s probably right. Everything Darius just said is probably TRUE and I do not care even slightly, because a guy whose entire coaching career is one day old walked into the house of a team that was in the playoffs eight months ago and hung THIRTY-FIVE on them, and I have not stopped f***in’ laughing since four fifteen yesterday afternoon. My wife asked me what was wrong with me.

Tone DigzWhat’d you say?

McAfeeI said the Browns are good and she said okay and went upstairs.

McAfeeNever.

McAfeeNoted, respected, filed, and I am going to ignore it entirely for the next two hours.

McAfeeOkay. We’re doing this now, we can’t sit on it any longer, the internet has been doing this without us since five o’clock last night. Nick. Digital Baby Nick. Roll it.

McAfeeThird and short. Fourteen to seven, second quarter, and this football team throws a fifty-five yard bomb to a rookie out of press with nothing over the top. And CBS goes to the sideline while the ball is still in the air. Watch him. WATCH HIM.

Boston ConnorHe’s gone.

McAfeeHE IS F***IN’ GONE! He turns and he takes off UP THE SIDELINE with both arms straight up in the air like a man whose horse just came in, and he gets about four steps and the cord goes tight and rips the headset clean off his head. And he DOESN’T STOP! He keeps going! The headset is on the ground behind him and this a**hole is still running!

McAfeeNick, play it again. Play it again and take the sound off. I want it silent.

McAfeeThere’s a security guard right there. Look at the security guard. This poor man is having exactly the day he expected to have and a head coach comes past his left shoulder at full speed with no headset on. He does not move. He does not turn his head. I hope that man gets a raise.

Tone DigzHe comes back for it.

McAfeeHE COMES BACK FOR IT! Oh, there it is. THERE IT IS. He jogs back, he picks it up off the grass, he puts it on, and it is BACKWARDS. The microphone is behind his head! And then Judkins goes thirty yards on the very next snap for a touchdown and he has STILL GOT IT ON BACKWARDS while it’s happening!

ButlerSomebody fixed it for him.

McAfeeSomebody had to fix it for him! A grown man in a visor had to turn a head coach’s headset around for him on national television in the middle of a touchdown! What the f*** are we DOING! Nick. Quarter speed. Do the cord.

McAfeeI have watched four hundred coaches on a sideline in my life and they all do the same three things. The little clap. The thing where they turn around and look at nothing. Andy Reid does the face. This guy ran AWAY from his own football team with his arms up like he was at a bar.

McAfeeHe is going to see that clip every day for the rest of his god***n life, AJ. They’re going to play it at the service. Nick, put it back up, I want it running while I read the sponsor.

McAfeeThis is brought to you by DraftKings, whose name is on this actual room, we are sitting inside the advertisement, which I think is the highest form of the art — new customers, bet five dollars and get — Ty, what is it this week?

Ty SchmitIt’s on the card.

McAfeeI’m not reading the card, the card’s got a s***load of words on it. Bet five dollars and something excellent happens to you. Download the app. Twenty-one and over, void where it’s void, if you’ve got a gambling problem the number at the bottom of your screen is a real number and you should call it. There. Beautiful. Best read I’ve ever done.

Ty SchmitYou didn’t say the offer.

McAfeeI said bet five dollars!

Ty SchmitYou didn’t say what they get.

McAfeeTHEY GET SOMETHING EXCELLENT, TY.

McAfeeThis is not going to get one second of coverage anywhere in America, so it has to be me. Corey Bojorquez punted one time yesterday. Thirty-seven yards.

Boston ConnorThirty-seven.

McAfeeTHIRTY-SEVEN YARDS. Which means that one week into the National Football League season Corey Bojorquez is averaging thirty-seven point zero and he is last. Last in the league. There is not a worse punter in America this morning, and it’s because he did his job one time in a hundred degrees.

ButlerNobody’s looking at that.

McAfeeI’M LOOKING AT IT! I look at it every Monday of my life! He’s there at eight. He does his drops, he punts thirty balls into a net before anybody else is on the grass, he sits on a bench in a hundred degrees for three and a half hours with a towel over his head, he punts ONE f***in’ ball, and then the offense scores five times and he goes home. He is the loneliest man in Duval County.

Tone DigzHe won though.

McAfeeHe won by twenty-eight and he punted a THIRTY-SEVEN. Ty. Get me the hang time.

Ty SchmitWe don’t have it.

McAfeeGet it.

Ty SchmitIt’s not a thing we have.

McAfeeTY. Somebody in that building has it on a computer right now. Call them. And I want the net, and I want to know if a coach told him to take something off it, because if a coach told him to take something off it then that thirty-seven is not his and I will not have that man carrying it around all year.

McAfeeWhat?

McAfeeAnd I’ll do four f***in’ more! Their kicker didn’t attempt a field goal either! Five extra points! Andre Szmyt’s entire season so far is five extra points, he could have watched the whole s*** from a hotel room and it’s the same result! This is what winning by twenty-eight does to a specialist and I’m the only man in this country who — hold on. No. Boston Connor. What were you saying before about your brother.

Boston ConnorHe got the plates.

McAfeeHE GOT THE PLATES! Everybody, Boston Connor’s brother has been trying to get one specific license plate off the state of Massachusetts since March…

McAfeeBo Nix threw it for FOUR SIXTY-SIX yesterday. Three touchdowns. Four interceptions. Sacked four times. And LOST BY ONE POINT. I have never seen a stat line have a worse day at work.

ButlerTwo of those picks were off hands.

McAfeeTwo off hands, sure, he still handed it to Kansas City four times and Kansas City won by one, and there is a f***in’ Greek tragedy going on in Denver this morning. Saints and Lions was forty-two thirty-six, which is seventy-eight points of football with about eleven total minutes of defense in it. And the Patriots kid Gonzalez picked off three by himself. THREE! One guy!

Tone DigzPittsburgh.

McAfee…Tone Digz. Tone Digz, what have you done.

Tone DigzThirty to three.

McAfeeTHIRTY TO THREE! Atlanta went into their building on the same afternoon and put thirty on them! And I’m going to be respectful here, I have friends in that organization and they are going to be miserable all week — three points. THREE POINTS. You cannot get to double figures at your own place in week one, that is horses***. That is an embarrassing afternoon for a football team.

Boston ConnorWard had six tackles.

McAfeeSix tackles in a thirty to three.

ButlerHe played well. He was fine. They didn’t throw at him and they lost by twenty-seven. That’s a whole afternoon for a corner sometimes.

McAfeeThey will be FINE, AJ, and I do not care, because for one Sunday in the year of our Lord twenty twenty-six the Cleveland Browns won by twenty-eight and the Pittsburgh Steelers lost by twenty-seven, and if you are from Ohio you get to walk into work today and say that out loud to somebody who has to sit there and take it.

McAfeeAdam Schefter joins us. Schefty, I’m going to ask you the only question that matters and I need you to be honest with the American people. How many times did you watch the headset?

SchefterI saw it. Six people sent it to me before I got to the car.

McAfeeSIX PEOPLE. Were they in the league?

SchefterSome of them were in the league.

McAfeeWHAT DID THEY SAY?

SchefterThey sent the clip. Nobody wrote anything with it. Pat, what I’d tell you about Cleveland this morning is that their Monday looked like a normal Monday. In at nine, lift, walkthrough, on the Tampa Bay tape by early afternoon. Nothing moved, nothing got added. I checked, because I expected them to make something of it, and they didn’t.

McAfeeSee, now that’s interesting to me —

SchefterThe one I’d watch this week is Tristan Wirfs. Tampa Bay hasn’t confirmed a practice status on him since July 31. If he doesn’t go Wednesday, Sunday looks different than the number does. And Jacksonville is fine, for anybody doing something with yesterday. They played badly in a hundred degrees against a team nobody has a book on yet.

McAfeeAdam. Before you go. Corey Bojorquez punted once yesterday for thirty-seven yards. Can you find out the hang time.

Schefter…The hang time.

McAfeeThe hang time.

SchefterI’ll ask.

McAfeeTHAT IS WHY HE IS THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS! Adam Schefter, everybody!

McAfeeHe’s going to ask somebody. He is absolutely going to ask somebody, and whoever he asks is going to think it’s code for something.

McAfeeGo.

McAfeeYeah.

McAfee…Yeah.

McAfeeI hear you. I do hear you.

ButlerMy first head coach in the league got that job because his college roommate was a general manager. That’s the reason he got it. His roommate.

Boston ConnorMy brother named the car.

McAfeeHE NAMED THE CAR? Connor. CONNOR. What is the name of the car.

McAfeeLOOK at this. Look what one football game did to a market. Tampa was minus seven and a half on the look-ahead, reposted at six last night, four and a half this morning. Three points. In a day.

Tone DigzCleveland plus one seventy-five.

McAfeePlus a hundred and seventy-five to go win in Tampa, and I want everybody at home to hear this very clearly: I am not touching this football team. Not for them, not against them, I’m out. I said twenty-seven nine on a national television program with my whole chest and got taken apart in public, so I’m going to sit here quietly for a month like a man in a waiting room.

Boston ConnorUnder forty-four and a half.

McAfeeHe’s doing it again! He’s doing the f***in’ under AGAIN! Boston Connor took the under last week, it went over by a point and change, and he is right back in there with the same play and the same face! That is a man with a HOBBY!

Boston ConnorDifferent game.

McAfeeIT IS A DIFFERENT GAME. [BLEEP] it, he’s right, it’s a completely different game and I’m the a**hole. Ty, put a hundred on it for me. That’s my own money, leave me alone.

McAfeeDelay’s off, nobody upstairs is listening, we can swear like adults again. Nick has been getting absolutely hammered in that chat for two hours about a hang time and he did not ask for one second of this shit.

Tone DigzCan I say something about the pool table.

McAfeePlease.

Tone DigzSo I bought a pool table. Slate, the real thing, not the ones that fold. Eleven weeks it took. Saturday two guys show up with it in three pieces and they get it to the top of my basement stairs and it does not go down the fucking stairs. Not close. And the young one says to me, do you want us to take the railing off, and I said yeah, take the railing off, and he goes, we can’t take the railing off. So why did you ask me. Why the fuck would you ask me that. And they stood there about twenty minutes and then the older one calls somebody and comes back and says it has to go out the way it came in, and now my pool table is in a warehouse in Plainfield and they charged me for the delivery and for the return. Both of them. And my wife knew. She knew the day I ordered it.

ButlerHow much was the table?

Tone DigzI’m not going to say.

McAfeeBeautiful. Okay. I have to tell everybody something and I’ve been sitting on it since last night, and Ty says I shouldn’t say it on the air.

Ty SchmitI said don’t.

McAfeeI texted him. I texted Mansour last night. Eight forty-one. I said, and I’m reading it off the phone, ‘unbelievable man. come on the show whenever you want, we’d love to have you.’ Normal. That is a normal thing to send a guy.

McAfeeEleven fifty-eight. ‘Thank you Pat. That means a lot, honestly.’ Great! Lovely! A human being! And then at twelve forty in the goddamn morning — Nick, put it up, it doesn’t fit on one screen — he sends me a fucking WALL. Not a paragraph. Nine names. He listed nine people and what each one of them did yesterday. He told me who builds the third-down sheet. He told me the name of the guy who cuts the practice tape.

McAfeeI DON’T KNOW, AJ. IT’S IN THERE SOMEWHERE. IT IS AN ABSURD AMOUNT OF TEXT. And then one twenty-two in the morning, separate message, on its own: ‘sorry. that was long.’

Boston ConnorDid he say yes?

McAfee…No.

McAfeeHE DIDN’T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! I asked a man one thing! One thing! And he sent me a staff directory at one in the morning and then apologized for the length of it! I texted him again this morning, by the way. Just ‘so is that a yes.’ Nothing. Read at 9:04. He read it and he put the phone down and he went and coached his football team.

ButlerThat’s his job.

McAfeeTHAT IS HIS JOB, DARIUS, THANK YOU, I AM AWARE OF WHAT HIS JOB IS. Jesus Christ. Okay. That’s the show. Tomorrow there’s somebody coming in who I’ve been told twice not to announce, and Ty is going to sit down with an attorney about the pool table. AJ. Get us out of here.

McAfeeHang on. Hang on hang on hang on. That’s him. That’s him right now.

Boston ConnorIs he coming on?

McAfee…It says four point four eight.

Ty SchmitHang time.

McAfeeI KNOW WHAT IT IS, TY.