The Pat McAfee Show

McAfeeFifty-four. Fifty-four to fourteen, on the road, in Tampa, getting four and a half. Ty, put both of those on the screen together, because I’ve looked at them side by side nine times this morning and it still hasn’t gone in.

Ty SchmitThey got four and a half.

McAfeeTHEY GOT FOUR AND A HALF AND THEY WON BY FORTY. That is a forty-four and a half point swing on a f***in’ Sunday afternoon. Eighty-nine points in two weeks. Forty-four point five per game, first in the National Football League, ahead of Philadelphia, who put forty-four on Tennessee yesterday. Nobody in this sport scores more than the Cleveland Browns.

McAfeeSay it back to me.

McAfeeIt sounds WORSE when you say it! Okay — here’s the one I’ve been holding since about eight o’clock last night. Tampa Bay did not enter the red zone. All day. Not one time. Four hours in their own stadium and Cleveland’s defense never had to line up inside the twenty.

Boston ConnorTwenty-two.

McAfeeWhat?

Boston ConnorFurthest they got was the twenty-two.

McAfeeTHE TWENTY-TWO! Two yards! They missed the red zone by two yards, once, and that was the closest they came all afternoon! And then — Ty, back me up, this is real — they went oh for eleven on third down.

Ty SchmitEleven times. None.

McAfeeOh for eleven. And then two for two on fourth down.

McAfeeThey cannot convert a third down and they are UNDEFEATED ON FOURTH DOWN. What is that? What is a group of men who can only do it when there is no tomorrow? I want a mathematician in this room by hour two.

ButlerThe eleven third downs were all six or longer.

McAfeeSEE, and that’s the boring answer, and it’s right, and I hate it. Boston Connor, give me the other one.

Boston ConnorThey blocked an extra point.

McAfeeTHEY BLOCKED AN EXTRA POINT. [laughing] Fifty-four points get scored on you and you stop one of them! ONE! Somewhere in Tampa a man is cutting that up right now. That’s the tape. That’s Sunday.

Tone DigzThey fire the cannons seven times for a touchdown.

McAfeeSeven for a touchdown, three for a field goal, I know the ship, I’ve punted in front of the ship.

Tone DigzAnd there’s a parrot on the back of it.

Boston ConnorIt’s not a real parrot.

Tone DigzI’ve seen it move.

Boston ConnorIt moves because there’s a guy with a remote control. It’s animatronic.

Tone DigzWhy would you build a machine bird when a bird is available?

Boston ConnorBecause it’s outside all year.

Tone DigzSo is a bird.

Boston ConnorTone.

Tone DigzBirds live outside, Connor. That’s where they are.

ButlerI’ve been in that stadium nine times and I’ve never looked at the boat.

McAfeeAll right. Darius. Do the thing you do. Bring the room down.

ButlerJacksonville’s oh and two. Tampa’s oh and two. Tampa has let in eighty-six already and nobody in football has let in more, and their head coach is calling that defense himself because he never hired anybody to do it. Somebody was going to put forty on them. It was Cleveland.

McAfeeAnd I do not care.

ButlerI know you don’t.

McAfeeI do not care even a LITTLE bit, Darius, everything you said is true and I’d like it stricken. This man’s entire coaching career is two Sundays long. Two! Both of them forty-burgers on the road in a hundred degrees, and there’s a country full of people who do this for a living going out of their minds today, and I am having the time of my life.

McAfeeI’m not doing the quarterback today. I’m not. I’ve seen what’s happening out there and I’m not putting my hand in it. Twenty-six of thirty-five, three twenty-eight, two touchdowns, and then he runs one in from fifteen. First in the league in completion percentage. First in passer rating. First in yards an attempt. That’s all I’m saying about it.

Boston ConnorYou said all of it.

McAfeeI said the numbers. Numbers aren’t a take. Right. Number forty-nine. Twenty-three years old, green dot on the helmet, which means at twenty-three he’s running that defense on the grass. Eleven tackles, four of them behind the line, and a sack. Two interceptions. Four balls knocked down. In ONE afternoon. Ty. How do you say it.

Ty SchmitSchwesinger.

McAfeeSchwezinger.

Ty SchmitSchwesinger.

McAfeeThat’s what I said.

Ty SchmitYou’re putting a Z in it.

McAfeeTHERE IS A Z IN IT.

Ty SchmitThere’s no Z in it.

McAfeePut it on the screen. Put it up right now — that is not a name. That is a hand going down a keyboard. I’m calling him forty-nine. He’s forty-nine to me for the rest of his career and his mother can write in.

ButlerNobody in the league has knocked down more balls than him. Six, through two games.

McAfeeSay that slower.

ButlerHe’s a linebacker and he’s ahead of every corner in football.

McAfeeWhoever votes on defensive player of the week — and I’ve never met one of you, I assume you’re in a room somewhere with a kettle — do it today. Don’t make him wait till Wednesday. And then the month. And then a serious conversation about the YEAR, in September, when it’s stupid.

McAfeeHE’S IN YEAR TWO!

McAfeeDraftKings. Our room is named after them, we sit inside the ad every day of our lives. Ty gave me a card this morning and Ty has been telling people I don’t read the card.

Ty SchmitI said that to one person.

McAfeeSo today I’m reading the card. All of it.

Ty SchmitPat.

McAfeeI AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STATES, TY. … Pennsylvania. Vermont. Virginia. Wyoming. Void where prohibited. See terms at the website. There. That is the single most compliant thirty seconds in the history of this network and nobody can come at me until January.

Boston ConnorMassachusetts.

McAfeeI said Massachusetts.

Boston ConnorI know. I’m just saying it.

McAfee…I did not skip Ohio.

McAfeeOHIO. OHIO IS IN THERE. If you are in the state of Ohio you are ELIGIBLE, and today of all days. Gambling problem, the number’s at the bottom of your screen, call it, it’s a real number with real people on it.

McAfeeEverybody’s doing fifty-four. Nobody’s doing the first quarter and the first quarter was a f***in’ crime scene. Darnell Savage had a hundred and fifty-odd yards thrown over the top of him before the first quarter was out. Thirty-six yard touchdown to McMillan, gone, and then Cleveland punts, it pins them on their own thirteen, and on the first snap Godwin goes eighty-seven.

Tone DigzFirst play.

McAfeeFIRST PLAY! You pin a football team on their own thirteen, which is the best thing that happens to a defense all day, and they score in eleven seconds. Fourteen to seven, eight minutes in, in that heat. If you’re from Cleveland you have seen that afternoon nine hundred times and you know what comes next.

McAfeeTHEY DID NOT TAKE HIM OUT. Nick. Both of them, back to back, and then keep going.

ButlerCan I have this one.

McAfeeTake it.

ButlerI got taken out in the second quarter of a game one time. I’m not going to say where. You stand on that sideline two and a half hours in front of sixty thousand people and every one of them knows what it means. Your people in the stands know. You get on the plane and the seat next to you stays empty the whole flight, and nobody’s being cruel, that’s just what happens.

McAfeeYeah.

ButlerSo that man’s on the field in the fourth quarter with the football in his hands. That’s it for me. I don’t know anything about their head coach and I’m not going to act like I do. But somebody decided that at about nine minutes to go in the first.

ButlerThe coverage change is a coordinator. Leaving him on the field isn’t.

ButlerIt might be.

McAfeeAnd nobody watching a television in Indiana has any way of knowing which, which is why I’ve been in a f***in’ mood since yesterday.

McAfeeJ.J. Watt is here and we’ve got him a while. J.J. Go wherever you want.

WattCan I do the one nobody in America is doing today? Vita Vea got six behind the line of scrimmage. Six. In a game his team lost by forty. And that number doesn’t look like anything written down, so — I had six for loss in a whole season once and I was very proud of that season.

McAfeeSix in a year.

WattAnd they were putting three on him. Center and both guards, and he was still coming out the other side of it, and because Tampa never had to bring a safety down for him they stood on the edges all afternoon, so Cleveland couldn’t run outside either. Eighty-four yards on twenty-nine handoffs. That’s one man. And he did that in a game that was finished at halftime, which I promise you is the hardest thing there is.

WattThe Cleveland kid, though. Two interceptions and four for loss from a linebacker in one afternoon is not a normal thing, and the second pick is the one, because what Mayfield sees before the snap and what’s there after it are two different things, and forty-nine is the guy who moved. He’s twenty-three.

McAfeeAre you in on them? Everybody wants to know who’s in on them.

WattIn on what? They’ve played Jacksonville and Tampa. I don’t know what that is, Pat, and I’m not sitting here pretending I do. I turned it back on at nine o’clock at night and my wife asked me why and I didn’t have a reason. So I’m watching it. I’ll be watching Sunday.

McAfeeJ.J. WATT, EVERYBODY.

McAfeeAJ. You’ve had a face on since about eleven this morning.

McAfeeAnd?

McAfeeYeah.

Boston ConnorDid you work it out?

Tone DigzForty minutes standing up?

McAfeeSo then what’s —

McAfeeI don’t think you’re meant to get them in the same room.

ButlerMy rookie year we had a linebackers coach who kept a stopwatch on a string around his neck and never once used it.

McAfeeLook at that thing. The Cleveland Browns are laying points. Somebody say it back to me, I’ve read it four times and it will not go in.

Tone DigzCleveland minus one and a half.

McAfeeCLEVELAND MINUS A POINT AND A HALF. That opened Sunday morning with Carolina laying three. Four and a half points in a day and a half. And Carolina’s good! Carolina went and beat Atlanta up! Nobody cares!

McAfeeAnd Tampa Bay for one second, because there are men in this country holding a ticket. Tampa opened as the favorite in that division. Plus one sixty-four. Win total eight and a half. They’re oh and two and their head coach is calling that defense himself.

ButlerHe never hired one.

McAfeeHE NEVER HIRED ONE! And look, I’m not going to do Todd like that, Todd Bowles has forgotten more football than — no. No, I am. I’m doing him like that. Eighty-six points, pal! Hire somebody!

McAfeeAnd I said on this program eight days ago that I was out on Cleveland both ways, and I want the American people to know I have HONORED that.

Ty SchmitYou’ve got a futures ticket.

McAfeeTHAT’S FROM AUGUST, TY.

Ty SchmitYou still have it.

McAfeeI have a fourteen-dollar ticket from the second week of August on the Cleveland Browns to go over six and a half wins and it is currently the best-performing asset I own. FOURTEEN DOLLARS. I bet fourteen dollars because I thought it was funny and now it’s the only thing in my life that’s working.

McAfeeDelay’s off. Around the league quickly and then one more thing. Seattle is oh and two. Seattle played in the Super Bowl in February and just lost twenty-two to seventeen in Arizona, which is a score from a different sport.

Tone DigzBaseball.

McAfeeThat’s not baseball either, Tone. Detroit went into the new building in Buffalo Thursday night and won twenty-one to eighteen, and everybody spent two days on the roof and nine minutes on the Lions. Chargers put thirty-seven on the Raiders. The Raiders are horseshit. Two weeks running.

Boston ConnorPittsburgh.

McAfeeThirty to three. The same score they took in week one, the other way round, eight days later, in New England. Thirty and three both times. And New England won in Seattle the week before that! Nobody can rank that division!

McAfeePittsburgh’s in Cleveland Thursday week, primetime, eleven days from now, and Denzel Ward walks back into that stadium in the wrong colors. That is going to be an evening.

McAfeeOkay. Last thing. And I did not watch a Browns press conference on a Sunday night, I’m not a lunatic, Ty printed it out. Cabot asks him where the game ball went, because he came off the field without it again.

Ty SchmitHe gave it to Savage.

McAfeeHe gave it to Savage. The guy who got taken apart in the first quarter in front of everybody. Gave him the football.

ButlerWhat’d Savage say?

McAfeeNothing. Put it in his bag. It says here he looked at it like he’d been handed somebody else’s and kept walking.

Butler…Yeah.

McAfeeAnd I don’t know if that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard or a twenty-eight-year-old doing a bit. Nobody knows. Nobody in the country knows. Which is why — Ty. We’re going to Cleveland. Thursday week. I’m deciding it live on the air.

Ty SchmitWe’re not.

McAfeeWe are going to Cleveland.

Ty SchmitThere’s nothing booked. No room, no trucks, no crew.

McAfeeI have just told a very large number of people we’re going, so now it’s booked. All right, that’s our show. Tomorrow we’ve got two guests and one of them I’m allowed to say and I’ve forgotten which. AJ, get us out.

Boston ConnorShow him the picture.

McAfeeWhat picture.

Boston ConnorHe took a picture of his television.

McAfee…He what?

McAfeeOF WHAT?

McAfeeYOU TOOK A PICTURE OF A TELEVISION.

McAfeeHow many.

McAfeeFOUR PICTURES OF A TELEVISION.

McAfeeWHAT DID HE SAY.

McAfeeIS IT COVER TWO?