The Pat McAfee Show

McAfeeOkay. Fifty-four. Fifty-four to fourteen, on the road, in Tampa, getting four and a half, so Ty, put both of those up on the screen together, because I have looked at them side by side nine times this morning, nine times, and honestly it still has not gone in.

Ty SchmitThey got four and a half.

McAfeeTHEY GOT FOUR AND A HALF AND THEY WON BY FORTY. Okay? That is a — well, that’s a forty-four and a half point swing on a f***in’ Sunday afternoon. Eighty-nine points in two weeks, man. And look, I know, I know, everybody’s going to tell me who they played and yeah, we’ll get to who they played, but forty-four point five a game is first in the National Football League, right, that is ahead of Philadelphia, who put forty-four on Tennessee yesterday. Nobody in this sport scores more than the Cleveland Browns.

McAfeeNo, say it back to me.

McAfeeIt sounds WORSE when you say it! It sounds like a lie. Okay — okay, so here’s the one I’ve been sitting on since about eight o’clock last night and, you know have not been able to put down. Tampa Bay did not enter the red zone all day. Not one time, I mean not once, four hours in their own building in front of their own people, and the Cleveland Browns defense never once had to line up inside the twenty.

Boston ConnorTwenty-two.

McAfeeWhat?

Boston ConnorFurthest they got was the twenty-two.

McAfeeTHE TWENTY-TWO! That’s two yards, they missed the red zone by two yards, one time, and that was the closest they came all afternoon. And then — and then, Ty, back me up on this, because people are going to think I’m making it up — they went oh for eleven on third down.

Ty SchmitEleven times. None.

McAfeeOh for eleven. And then, yeah, two for two on fourth down.

McAfeeThey cannot convert a third down and they are UNDEFEATED ON FOURTH DOWN. Okay, what is that, though? Somebody tell me, because I have no idea, like what, like what do you call a group of grown men who can only do it when there is no tomorrow? I want a mathematician in this room by hour two, seriously.

ButlerThe eleven third downs were all six or longer.

McAfeeSEE. See, and that’s the boring answer, and it’s right, and I hate it, I hate when he does that to me. Hey. Boston Connor, give me the other one.

Boston ConnorThey blocked an extra point.

McAfeeTHEY BLOCKED AN EXTRA POINT. [laughing] Fifty-four points get scored on you and you stop one of them! ONE! And somewhere in Tampa right now there is a man in a dark room cutting that up, putting music underneath it, and honestly, God bless him, that’s the tape, that’s what he got out of Sunday.

Tone DigzThey fire the cannons seven times for a touchdown.

McAfeeSeven for a touchdown, three for a field goal, yeah, I know the ship, man, I’ve punted in front of the ship.

Tone DigzAnd there’s a parrot on the back of it.

Boston ConnorIt’s not a real parrot, man.

Tone DigzI’ve seen it move.

Boston ConnorIt moves because there’s a guy with a remote control. It’s animatronic.

Tone DigzOkay, so why would you build a machine bird when a bird is available?

Boston ConnorBecause it’s outside all year.

Tone DigzSo is a bird.

Boston ConnorTone.

Tone DigzBirds live outside, Connor. That’s where they are.

ButlerI’ve been in that stadium nine times and I’ve never once looked at the boat.

McAfeeAll right. Darius. Do the thing you do. Bring the room down.

ButlerJacksonville’s oh and two, Tampa’s oh and two. Tampa has let in eighty-six already and nobody in football has let in more, and their head coach is calling that defense himself, because he never hired anybody to do it, which isn’t a shot at him, you know, that’s just the arrangement. Somebody was going to put forty on that at some point and it turned out to be Cleveland.

McAfeeAnd I do not care.

ButlerI know you don’t.

McAfeeI do not care even a LITTLE bit, Darius. Everything you just said is true, all of it, and I would like it stricken. This man’s entire coaching career is two Sundays long, two, and both of them are forty-burgers on the road in a hundred degrees, and there’s a whole country full of people who do this for a living, who’ve done it for thirty years, going out of their minds about it today, and I am having the time of my life.

McAfeeI’m not doing the quarterback today. I’m not doing it. Look, I’ve seen what’s happening out there and I’m not putting my hand in it. Twenty-six of thirty-five, three twenty-eight, two touchdowns, and then he goes and runs one in himself from fifteen. First in the league in completion percentage, first in passer rating, first in yards an attempt, and yeah, that’s all I’m saying about it.

Boston ConnorYou said all of it.

McAfeeI said the numbers, man. Numbers aren’t a take. Right. So, number forty-nine, twenty-three years old, green dot on the helmet, which means at twenty-three he’s the one running that defense out there on the grass. Eleven tackles, four of them behind the line, and a sack, and then two interceptions, and then four balls knocked down, in ONE afternoon. Ty. How do you say it.

Ty SchmitSchwesinger.

McAfeeSchwezinger.

Ty SchmitSchwesinger.

McAfeeThat’s what I said.

Ty SchmitYou’re putting a Z in it.

McAfeeTHERE IS A Z IN IT.

Ty SchmitThere’s no Z in it.

McAfeeOkay, put it on the screen. Put it up right now — look, that is not a name. That is a hand going down a keyboard. So I’m calling him forty-nine. He’s forty-nine to me for the rest of his career, forty-nine, and his mother can write in.

ButlerNobody in the league has knocked down more balls than him. Six, through two games.

McAfeeHold on. Say that slower.

ButlerHe’s a linebacker and he’s ahead of every corner in football.

McAfeeWhoever votes on defensive player of the week — and look, I’ve never met one of you, I assume you’re in a room somewhere with a kettle — do it today. Don’t make the kid wait till Wednesday. And then give him the month, and then yeah, I want a serious conversation about the YEAR, in September, when it’s obviously stupid, and I know it’s stupid, I’d like to have it anyway.

McAfeeHE’S IN YEAR TWO!

McAfeeRight. DraftKings. Our room is named after them, right, we sit inside the ad every day of our lives. So Ty gives me a card this morning, and Ty, Ty has been going around telling people that I don’t read the card.

Ty SchmitI said that to one person.

McAfeeSo today I’m reading the card. Yeah. All of it.

Ty SchmitPat.

McAfeeI AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STATES, TY. … Pennsylvania, Vermont, Virginia, Wyoming, void where prohibited, see terms at the website. And there you go. That is the single most compliant thirty seconds in the history of this network and nobody, nobody can come at me until January.

Boston ConnorMassachusetts.

McAfeeI said Massachusetts.

Boston ConnorI know. I’m just saying it.

McAfee…I did not skip Ohio.

McAfeeOHIO. Ohio is in there, Ty, Ohio’s on the card. If you are in the state of Ohio you are ELIGIBLE, and today of all days. Gambling problem, look, the number’s at the bottom of your screen, call it, it’s a real number with real people on it.

McAfeeEverybody’s doing fifty-four, right, everybody in America is doing fifty-four and nobody’s doing the first quarter, and the first quarter was a f***in’ crime scene. Darnell Savage had a hundred and fifty-odd yards thrown over the top of him before the first quarter was out, a hundred and fifty, in fifteen minutes of football, and then a thirty-six yard touchdown to McMillan, gone, and then Cleveland punts and it pins them on their own thirteen, and then on the first snap Godwin goes eighty-seven.

Tone DigzFirst play.

McAfeeFIRST PLAY! You pin a football team on their own thirteen, which is, you know, that is the best thing that happens to a defense all day, that’s the whole reason you punt the football, and eleven seconds later it’s a touchdown. Fourteen to seven, eight minutes in, in that heat. And look, if you’re from Cleveland, if you grew up on it, you have obviously seen that afternoon nine hundred times and you already know what comes next.

McAfeeTHEY DID NOT TAKE HIM OUT. Nick. Nick, run both of them, yeah, back to back, and then just keep going.

ButlerHey. Can I have this one.

McAfeeYeah, take it.

ButlerI got taken out in the second quarter of a game one time. I’m not going to say where. You stand on that sideline two and a half hours in front of sixty thousand people and every one of them knows exactly what it means, and your people in the stands know it too. And then you get on the plane and the seat next to you stays empty the whole flight, and nobody’s being cruel about it, that’s just what happens.

McAfeeYeah.

ButlerSo that man’s out on the field in the fourth quarter with the football in his hands. That’s it for me. I don’t know anything about their head coach and I’m not going to sit here and act like I do. But somebody decided that at about nine minutes to go in the first.

ButlerThe coverage change is a coordinator. Leaving him on the field isn’t.

ButlerIt might be.

McAfeeAnd nobody watching a television in Indiana has any way of knowing which one it was, none of us do, and that, right there, is why I’ve been in a f***in’ mood since yesterday.

McAfeeOkay. J.J. Watt is here and we’ve got him a while. J.J. Go wherever you want.

WattCan I do the one nobody in America is doing today? So, Vita Vea got six behind the line of scrimmage. Six. In a game his team lost by forty. And I know that doesn’t look like anything written down, you know, it just looks like a number, so — I had six for loss in a whole season one time and I was very proud of that season.

McAfeeSix in a year.

WattAnd they were putting three on him. Center and both guards, you know, three grown men, and he’s still coming out the other side of it, and because Tampa never had to bring a safety down for him their guys stood on the edges all afternoon, so Cleveland couldn’t run outside either. Eighty-four yards on twenty-nine handoffs. I mean, that’s one man. And he did it in a game that was finished at halftime, which I promise you is the hardest thing there is.

WattOkay, the Cleveland kid, though. I mean, two interceptions and four for loss from a linebacker in one afternoon is not a normal thing, and the second pick is the one, because what Mayfield sees before the snap and what’s there after it are two different pictures, and forty-nine is the guy who moved. And he’s twenty-three, which I don’t really know what to do with.

McAfeeSo are you in on them? Everybody wants to know who’s in on them.

WattWell, in on what, though? They’ve played Jacksonville and Tampa. I don’t know what that is, Pat, I, if I'm honest don’t, and I’m not sitting here pretending I do. I turned it back on at nine o’clock at night and my wife asked me why and I didn’t have a reason. So I’m watching it, and yeah, I’ll be watching Sunday.

McAfeeJ.J. WATT, EVERYBODY.

McAfeeAJ. You’ve had a face on since about eleven this morning.

McAfeeAnd?

McAfeeYeah.

Boston ConnorDid you work it out?

Tone DigzForty minutes standing up?

McAfeeSo then what’s —

McAfeeI don’t think you’re meant to get them in the same room.

ButlerMy rookie year we had a linebackers coach who kept a stopwatch on a string around his neck and never once used it.

McAfeeLook at that thing. Look at it. The Cleveland Browns are laying points. Somebody say it back to me, because I’ve read it four times and it will not go in.

Tone DigzCleveland minus one and a half.

McAfeeCLEVELAND MINUS A POINT AND A HALF. And that opened Sunday morning with Carolina laying three, so that’s four and a half points in a day and a half, which is, you know, that’s not a market adjusting, that’s a market running for the door. And Carolina’s good! Carolina went and beat Atlanta up and nobody cares!

McAfeeOh, and Tampa Bay for one second, because there are men in this country holding a ticket. Right? Tampa opened as the favorite in that division. Plus one sixty-four, win total eight and a half. And they’re oh and two and their head coach is calling that defense himself.

ButlerHe never hired one.

McAfeeHE NEVER HIRED ONE! And look, I’m not going to do Todd like that, Todd Bowles has forgotten more football than — no. No, I am. I’m doing him like that. Eighty-six points, pal! Hire somebody!

McAfeeAnd I said on this program eight days ago, out of my own mouth, that I was out on Cleveland both ways, and I want the American people to know I have HONORED that.

Ty SchmitYou’ve got a futures ticket.

McAfeeTHAT’S FROM AUGUST, TY.

Ty SchmitYou still have it.

McAfeeOkay, so, I have a fourteen-dollar ticket from the second week of August on the Cleveland Browns to go over six and a half wins and it is currently, and I want to be clear about this, it is currently the best-performing asset I own. FOURTEEN DOLLARS. I bet fourteen dollars because I thought it was funny and now it’s the only thing in my life that’s working.

McAfeeOkay, delay’s off. Around the league quickly and then one more thing. So, Seattle is oh and two. Seattle played in the Super Bowl in February and just lost twenty-two to seventeen in Arizona, which is, I mean, that’s a score from a different sport.

Tone DigzBaseball.

McAfeeYeah, that’s not baseball either, Tone. Detroit went into the new building in Buffalo Thursday night and won twenty-one to eighteen, and everybody, us included, I mean, spent two days on the roof and about nine minutes on the Lions. Chargers put thirty-seven on the Raiders. The Raiders are horseshit, two weeks running.

Boston ConnorPittsburgh.

McAfeeThirty to three, which is the same score they took in week one, the other way round, eight days later, in New England, thirty and three both times, and New England won in Seattle the week before that! Nobody can rank that division!

McAfeePittsburgh’s in Cleveland Thursday week, right, primetime, eleven days from now, and Denzel Ward walks back into that stadium in the wrong colors. That is going to be an evening.

McAfeeOkay. Last thing. And look, I did not watch a Browns press conference on a Sunday night, I’m not a lunatic, Ty printed it out. So Cabot asks him where the game ball went, because he came off the field without it again.

Ty SchmitHe gave it to Savage.

McAfeeHe gave it to Savage. I mean, he gave it to the guy who got taken apart in the first quarter in front of everybody. Gave him the football.

ButlerWhat’d Savage say?

McAfeeNothing. He just, uh, put it in his bag. It says here he looked at it like he’d been handed somebody else’s and kept walking.

Butler…Yeah.

McAfeeAnd I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s the best thing I’ve ever heard or a twenty-eight-year-old doing a bit, nobody knows, nobody in this country knows, and that’s the whole — Ty. We’re going to Cleveland, Thursday week, I’m deciding it live on the air.

Ty SchmitYeah, we’re not.

McAfeeNo, we are going to Cleveland.

Ty SchmitWell, there’s nothing booked. No room, no trucks, no crew.

McAfeeI have just told a very large number of people we’re going, so now it’s booked. All right, that’s our show. Tomorrow we’ve got two guests and one of them I’m allowed to say and I’ve forgotten which. AJ, get us out.

Boston ConnorShow him the picture.

McAfeeWhat picture.

Boston ConnorHe took a picture of his television.

McAfee…He what?

McAfeeOF WHAT?

McAfeeYOU TOOK A PICTURE OF A TELEVISION.

McAfeeHow many.

McAfeeFOUR PICTURES OF A TELEVISION.

McAfeeWHAT DID HE SAY.

McAfeeIS IT COVER TWO?