The Pat McAfee Show

McAfeeGood morning beautiful people.. how are we, we are LIVE from the DraftKings Thunderdome, it is Thursday, we got about nine things going on and I’m doing none of them in order, because the Cleveland Browns have had the funniest two f***in’ weeks any football team has had in my adult life and I have to get it out of my system first.

McAfeeI am NOT going to get it out of my system! AJ, I’ve been up since six. Six! On a Thursday! Because I woke up and I remembered the Pittsburgh Steelers handed two future first-rounders to a guy with a YouTube channel, and then I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Boston ConnorTwo firsts.

McAfeeTWO FIRST ROUNDERS! For a twenty-nine-year-old cornerback! What the [BLEEP] are they doing over there?! Who’d already asked out! Who half the league KNEW had asked out! You know what happens when everybody knows a guy asked out? You get a f***in’ fourth. That’s the going rate. You get a fourth and a bag of footballs and you say thank you very f***in’ much.

ButlerYou get a four and a conditional six.

McAfeeA FOUR AND A CONDITIONAL SIX, thank you Darius, a conditional six that never conditions! And instead the Cleveland Browns, run by a twenty-eight-year-old with no experience — NONE of it, by the way, not a day of it anywhere, ever, at anything — got a one in 2027 and a one in 2028 out of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Tone DigzHe’s at the Giant Eagle.

McAfeeHe’s at the Giant Eagle in a hoodie! [laughing] I like Omar, I want to say that, Omar Khan has done a bunch of things over there that worked. This one I have questions about, pal.

McAfeeSee, this is why I need you here. Because I would have just yelled about it for an hour.

McAfeeI’m absolutely still going to! But that’s fair and I want the people at home to have it. Okay — and I’m about to get accused of being a fan boy again and I don’t care. It does not make him a football coach. It f***in’ doesn’t! You can be unbelievable on a telephone and terrible on a Sunday afternoon. I’ve met four hundred guys who had one of those and not the other.

ButlerEvery GM I ever met could talk. Every single one.

McAfeeEVERY SINGLE ONE! That’s the job! And I still think Cleveland goes down there Sunday and gets absolutely dog-walked, I’m sorry, I do, I think it’s twenty-seven to nine and everybody’s p***ed. But for two weeks in August a guy from the internet made the Pittsburgh Steelers look like they’d never used a phone before, and that is the funniest s*** I have ever seen in this sport.

Ty SchmitTwenty-seven to nine.

McAfeeWrite it down, Ty. Put it on the wall.

McAfeeI cannot get over the years. I’ve been trying to explain this to my wife, who does not care — the picks are 2027 and 2028. So Pittsburgh loses this trade NEXT April and then AGAIN the April after that. It’s on their calendar.

Boston ConnorThey’re paying him rent.

McAfeeWHAT DID YOU SAY?

Boston ConnorPittsburgh’s paying him rent.

McAfeePITTSBURGH IS PAYING HIM RENT! [BLEEP] me. [banging the desk] BOSTON CONNOR. Boston Connor with the greatest sentence anybody has said in this room in two years. He’s the LANDLORD! He’s got a TENANT in Pittsburgh! First of the month, twice a year, for two years!

Tone DigzRent’s due, Omar.

McAfeeRENT’S DUE OMAR! Ty, I want a graphic by the second hour, I want the little house icon, I want a Steelers logo with a moving truck. I don’t care what it costs.

Ty SchmitIt costs nothing.

McAfeeIt costs NOTHING, we make it on a laptop! [laughing] Okay, hold on, I have to do the flip side or the football people come for me again, and they can, they’ve been coming for me eleven f***in’ years. The Landlord is twenty-eight and has coached exactly nobody. His football team lost its best pass rusher in June, lost its best corner in August, has five first-year guys out there Sunday, has a rookie snapping it to a quarterback who threw ten picks in seven games, and opens on the road against a thirteen-and-four team. I have not found one person picking them. Not one.

ButlerI got them at four wins.

McAfeeFOUR? Darius, you’re the optimist in the room? What is happening today?

ButlerFour’s not optimism.

McAfeeSo we have to do the Jerry Jeudy thing, and I want to go easy with it because I like Jerry, I’ve had Jerry on this show and he was fantastic on it. Three weeks ago Jerry stands up at camp, unprompted, cameras rolling, and says his coach is not a real coach and this is the worst hire he has ever seen. Says it clean. Doesn’t walk it back after.

Boston ConnorFifty-eight seconds.

McAfeeFifty-eight seconds of it! And then — and here’s where I lose my mind — three weeks later he gets traded to the New York Giants for a THIRD. A three! For a guy off fifty catches who just torched his own head coach on video! You cannot get a third for that man! That is a bulls*** return and I love it! I’d not have given you a SIXTH!

Tone DigzTwo seconds of hold music.

McAfee[laughing] You call about that guy and you should hear a busy signal! That’s two trades in a fortnight where the other guy hangs up the phone and goes, hang on, what just happened to me.

McAfeeWhich people are reading two totally different ways.

McAfeeYeah.

McAfeeIt is absolutely not over. Jerry’s going to talk. Jerry likes to talk, that’s not a knock on Jerry, I like guys who talk, this whole show is guys who talk.

McAfeeSUNDAY. One o’clock. EverBank. Jacksonville by nine and a half. Let me tell everybody at home about September football down there, because I have played in it. Ninety-five on the field, a hundred and thirty on the turf, no wind, the stadium’s half torn down so there’s nothing to catch a breeze, it is f***in’ miserable, and by the third quarter guys are grabbing at their hamstrings and looking at the trainers like, what did you put in that bottle.

ButlerYou lose your legs by the fourth. Everybody does.

McAfeeEVERYBODY DOES! And Cleveland’s got two rookies on the right side of that line going against the best run defense in the league, with Trevor Lawrence on the other side. Trevor was the highest-graded quarterback in football from Week 13 on last year. Did everybody know that? We stopped talking about Trevor in 2022 and never started again.

McAfeeWhich is a real thing! That’s a hard thing to do!

Tone DigzJags minus nine and a half.

McAfeeTone Digz has entered the chat with an actual wager. I’m not touching that number, that number is disgusting, that is a s***** number. Give me the under and let me go about my day.

Boston ConnorForty and a half.

McAfeeForty and a half in ninety-five degrees with two teams who want to run the ball? That’s free money, boys. That’s not advice. That’s me talking out loud in a room. Nobody sue me.

McAfeeAnd listen, one more thing on the quarterback. Shedeur Sanders is starting Sunday and the entire internet has an opinion about it, half of them furious and the other half furious about the first half being furious. I’m not doing the numbers, everybody’s done the numbers. All I know is that kid got buried for a year, kept showing up, kept his mouth shut about the reps, and Sunday afternoon he gets to go find out. I’ll be watching.

ButlerHe’s going to get hit a lot.

McAfeeHe is going to get hit a LOT. A lot a lot. He’s gonna get his a** knocked off and then he’s gonna get up, because that’s what he does.

McAfeeWe’re back, the delay is off, there’s nobody watching, so. We can say whatever we want and nobody at ESPN is going to read the transcript. Ty, tell them what you said in the break.

Ty SchmitNo.

McAfeeHe said, and I quote, that if the Landlord wins a game before Halloween he’s getting the house icon tattooed. In front of witnesses. In front of a lawyer, arguably, because Peter was standing right there.

Ty SchmitNot a lawyer.

McAfeePeter’s absolutely a lawyer in the sense that matters here! Anyway — here’s what I’ve been chewing on all week. Everybody in football is treating Cleveland like a bit, and I get it, I’ve made nine hundred jokes about it myself. But there’s fifty-three dudes down there who go to work Sunday in front of a country that thinks their employer is a joke, and that’s a s***** thing to carry around at twenty-three, and I’d be f***in’ furious about it.

McAfeeThey have the SAME PHONE!

McAfeeOkay, I’m getting sad in hour three again, this happens every Thursday. Tone. Give me something stupid.

Tone DigzBoston Connor dropped a hundred and forty on a WNBA parlay.

Boston ConnorNot the number.

Tone DigzIt’s the number.

McAfeeA HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS? Boston Connor! On a parlay?! You work in sports, my guy, you are professionally around this, and you built a four-leg parlay like a d***head in an airport bar. That’s f***in’ embarrassing. That is — no, embarrassing is the wrong word, that’s beautiful. I love him. Don’t ever change.

Boston ConnorFour of five.

McAfeeFOUR OF FIVE IS ZERO, PAL! That’s zero dollars! That’s the whole f***in’ business model! Hey. Cleveland. Sunday. One o’clock. If it’s twenty-seven to nine like I said, I’m going to be right and I’m going to feel like s*** about it, because I want to watch that kid throw it around a little and I want the Landlord to have a good day. And if they lose by thirty, the rent still comes in April.

McAfeeRent’s due, Omar! All right, that’s our show. Tomorrow we got picks, we got a guest I’m not allowed to say out loud, and Ty’s doing the chair thing again. Cheers, everybody. AJ Hawk, take us out.